Monday, June 14, 2010 2:25 PM
I was... I am... I will be?
I have been staring at this blank space for quite some time, collecting my thoughts to form into words and sentences.
Nowadays, it's not easy to just write how I feel or what I wanna write anymore. There's lots of things swimming in my head making decisions harder to make, words harder to say and sentences harder to write. Everything that I do and say, I must carry the consequences 100%. I feel like a chicken sometimes not daring to do things spontaneously anymore. I am afraid of taking responsibilities, afraid that I can't do anything to undo a mistake.
Is this all part of being an adult or just merely being alive? When we were young, nobody told us these. Everyday I realise I should do this, I should not do that. Everyday I feel happy for something, sad for something. It feels like the mind is working extra hard compared to years ago.
Years ago, a phone call or just talking with a close friend can send the grey clouds away because at the end of the day, all the problems can be solved. Now? Even talking about problems might be creating more problems. Should I burden someone else by talking about my problems? Will someone else overheard our conversation that will get us into trouble? Will there be someone eavesdropping and retell to someone else who can't shut his/her mouth? Will my words hurt someone that in return creates hatred?
Now I sound so emo.
T_T
I should not be like this. This is my holiday for goodness sake! I must be enjoying my off days from work and have some 'me' time. There's less than a week before school reopens and I seriousy seriously SERIOUSLY do not want to even think about the events that are going to happen then. I must forget the image of my desk calender in my office that is sooo full. But this is so hard!!!
=(
I have yet plan my lessons for the coming semester, find the info for my work and sort my mind. I really wish there is someone who can write out a list of things that I HAVE TO do so I can just follow it diligently and not THINK about what to do. The word 'think' is a very big word. You think having the word 'think' in your mind is already thinking meh? *sigh*
On days like today, reminiscing the old days is the only way to soothe the mind. The good old days where waking up, getting ready for school, listen when the teacher talks, trying the best to remember, hanging out with friends, playing with neighbourhood friends until our moms screamed for us to have our bathe, watching telly and going to sleep were really the good old days. No worries and no torture to the good old brain up there in our coconut shell.
When we were young, we looked forward to grow up, to earn money and buy things that we wanted. When I was still studying, I still think the same too. Now, I just wish life is less complicated. Work alone is so energy sucking mentally and physically. On some days, I came home feeling like the zombies that we see in movies. The body is moving by itself but the mind is not there. Is that what they call mentally exhausted? I know my working hours are not long compared with most jobs but just thinking that I still have things to do after reaching home is really spoiling the mood.
I can't say I am happy nor unhappy with my work. I think I've lost the ability to think properly. People are always saying, "You must love your job!/ If the job that you love can't pay your bills you might as well don't work!/ Chasing your dreams is everything!"
OH RIGHT... which one is correct ha?!
好 fan nao!
OMG did I type so much unconsciously??????? oh well... letting things out of the coconut shell once in a blue moon is alright I guess.
Labels: my thoughts